For This Child I Prayed
Excited and a little nervous, we arrived at the doctor's office for my 19 week ultrasound. We were pleasantly surprised by how quickly the nurse called us back. The ultrasound technician joined us and the first thing she did was find the baby's heartbeat. I let out a sigh of relief. Nothing makes me happier than hearing our babies heart beat. A little foot showed up on the screen and I just giggled within. It truly was a miracle to see two little feet kicking all around. Soon, the little beating heart was there for us to see. I laid there quietly taking it all in. A little hand and arm appeared and it almost seemed as if our baby was trying to suck on his or her thumb. The technician moved to the head and as hard as she tried she couldn't quite get a profile picture for us. She said it was difficult as the baby was moving around so much. She left the room and then we waited for what seemed to be a really long time.
We passed the time by looking up the size of our baby on a chart that compared the size of a baby to a type of fruit. Our baby was currently the size of heirloom tomato. I told Joe how I had moments where I could hardly believe this was my life, I'm pregnant! We are going to be parents!
Finally the doctor came in and she asked us if we already had nieces and nephews and we shared all about our families while she looked once more at images with the ultrasound. As hard as it is I can't get the image out of my mind when she said, " I want to talk to you about the ultrasound now...I see several points of concern. The baby's brain and skull did not develop and there is no diaphragm so the bowels are pushing up on the baby's heart. There is no chance your baby will live outside the womb". I laid there in shock. Did she really just say what I heard? I know we must have asked her 3 or 4 times if the baby had any chance to live and each time the answer was no. Quickly the conversation turned to next steps: blood test, amniocentesis, genetic testing. How can you think of next steps when all you want to do is cry? We left the office with no pictures of our baby and tears streaming down our cheeks.
The tears were endless and the night was long. Early the next morning I lay there in bed trying to wake up and figure out how to face the day. I cried some more as I thought about how these next few months would be the only time we would have with our first baby and how there were so many things we were looking forward to doing as a family. So, as hard as it was to get the words out, I told Joe we could begin today with making memories and as odd as it may feel we could take our baby on the adventures we hoped to do together.
OUR FIRST FAMILY OUTING
Getting ready to ride the train dowontown
Love
Loved watching the apes at the zoo
Walked miles and miles to find some yummy Thai for dinner
It was healing, it was hard, it was fun to make memories downtown, on the train and at the zoo. I wish I could take our sweet baby to the zoo and watch her reactions to all the animals but for now I cherish the time the three of us had together.
Happy Father’s Day! Celebrating the gift of being a Father-To-Be.
Exactly one week has passed since we heard the news our baby has anencephaly and other health issues. Some days are easier than others. We are hurting and learning to grieve together. Moments like these change you forever. My constant prayer has been, “God please help me love you more and to love others more.”. The other day, I sat with God thinking about how precious life is and how human beings truly are the most valuable, special creation. Yet, at times I feel like we just look past people and move on with the tasks of the day. I don't want that to be true of me but sadly I know it is something I do each day. I pray I will have more of God's heart and love for all people. This precious baby inside is changing me, bringing me joy and drawing me close to Jesus.
